As mentioned before I had an easy pregnancy and labor and delivery, but the postpartum really took a toll on me. I've even considered not writing about it, but maybe my story will help someone else dealing with it.
I read about postpartum recovery and I read about postpartum depression and the baby blues. I never dreamed that I would have a case of either of these. I just assumed I'd be happier than ever, I mean, the baby would finally be here and everything would be prefect, right?
It all started at the hospital when I realized I wasn't going to get to breastfeed Noah. I had planned on breastfeeding my whole pregnancy so we tried our hardest to make it work. I was producing, but Noah wouldn't eat. Once he would get latched on, he wouldn't do anything but lay there. It was like he didn't know how to eat or swallow. I called the lactation consultants several times, but they weren't of much help. As soon as he would latch on they would leave instead of staying and making sure he was getting something. I finally got so frustrated that I told the nursery to bring me formula because he hadn't eaten in almost two days of trying. Once we got home and got used to everything I went to return the breast pump and that made me even more upset because I realized I really wasn't going to breastfeed.
The first week at home was rough (as they all say). Noah was a very cranky baby. I was beginning to wonder if he was colic because it was continual crying for days. Nothing would make him stop crying. I got no sleep and all I wanted to do was cry when he cried. A few nights he was up literally all night. I would get so frustrated with him that I'd have to give him to Paul and go to another room. While at church he would sleep most of the time, but it started getting to where I had to stay in the nursery with him the whole service because he would wake up and cry.
Paul and I began to argue here and there (a lot more than normal) because we were both so cranky. Along with adjusting to having a baby, we were going through a financial struggle, and things in our personal lives had me stressed out. As I looked online at the symptoms of depression/blues I realized that was me. I was actually dealing with minor depression. I was not feeling happy about my life and I felt as though I had no one to go to, no one to talk to.
Now the weight loss. This has been my enemy! Sure everyone says "you look great!" and maybe I do, but I don't feel great. We've been almost late to church on occasion just because I've tried on 5 outfits that didn't work. By the time the pregnancy is over you don't want to keep wearing the same ole clothes you've had to rotate for months. Every week I try on my old skirts and they don't budge. I'm constantly worrying if my sides are hanging out of my shirts, is my skirt too tight? I can't comfortably wear tights. I gained a total of 32 lbs. with my pregnancy and have about 15 to loose. My stomach went down tremendously after delivery, but not enough to fit into my old clothes and feel good again.
On Sunday I was having a rough day and everything was making me upset. We went to church that evening and I didn't worship, I didn't pray, and I didn't stand up. When I took Noah to the nursery my pastor's wife came in there to ask if I was ok. Being the emotional basket case that I was, I immediately started crying and telling her everything I was feeling. It felt so good to finally be able to share my feelings with someone. I hadn't really even shared them with Paul. It was good to hear that I'm not the only one that goes through these hormonal changes after birth, and that I AM a good mom!
As a disclaimer: please don't get me wrong on this post, I am truly thankful for a smooth recovery and healing has not been a problem. I had no complications and I am truly blessed with a beautiful baby boy. Noah is doing much better. He is sleeping and eating great so that makes me a happy mama! "This too shall pass" has been running in my mind since Sunday. It is true you know! Here's to the road of recovery (in an emotional and physical sense).
You can read every book about pregnancy and labour but nothing ever prepares you for all the different emotions you feel when you bring your sweet bundle of joy home.
ReplyDeleteAfter my son was born he wouldn't sleep much (thankfully not a terrible crier) and my husband and I would have full on screaming matches at 2am because we were both so sleep deprived.
Thankfully, it does get easier. Baby starts to sleep more, which means you can sleep more, and then everything gets back to "normal".
And just as you start to think "it wasn't that bad" you start thinking about #2.
Glad you were finally able to open up to someone; it helps so much.
Many prayers your way...
ReplyDeleteOne of the most difficult parts of motherhood and all that comes with it is the 'one-upped-ness' that seems to happen when you need a shoulder to cry on. I remember I didn't want sympathy, and I certainly didn't want the 'it could be worse', I just wanted someone to empathize and say, "That sucks." and recognize my suffering. I didn't want solutions, I just wanted love and validation.
My mom was a huge support. She was my cheerleader who made me feel like I could do it. My husband, the more I opened up with him, made me feel like I was doing it right. And there was an increase in my understanding of what Christ has done for us all that brought peace (and sanity) to the situation.
I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. You're right- this, too, shall pass. Your posts show how in love with this baby you are. You can do this.
-p.s. losing pregnancy weight is a myth. (LOL) I lost everything up front and then gained 15 lbs. while nursing. I think it's such a case-by-case thing, and trying to figure out just what to do drove me nuts. Good luck!!!
Thanks for being open enough to share this story with us! I've never had a child so I can't relate, but I really appreciate when people are honest enough to share the good and the bad! And I'm sure you're a WONDERFUL mother!!
ReplyDeleteMy baby is a few weeks old and this post is an answer to my prayers. I literally cried for the entire day yesterday and felt like I was the only one who had ever done this. I appreciate you being open...it is so hard to admit that everything is not perfect 100 percent of the time. Although nothing has changed yet, your post lifted a big weight off of me.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you have had such a rough go of it. :( I can relate about the breastfeeding - my son was able to latch on, and he sucked, but I wasn't producing ANYTHING. I pumped, I had him try, I tried to hand express, nothing. I think it's because he was a preemie, and he was rushed to the NICU, I didn't see him after birth even once, for HOURS. My body just screwed up. I finally admitted defeat when they told me I couldn't breastfeed anyway... (I'll spare you the long story - but he was in the nicu for 3 months and his disease is why). So different circumstances but probably the exact same feelings. When he was born, I was suddenly super determined to make it work, because he was 4 pounds and sick. I was like, this is one thing I can do for him. But I couldn't. That was hard to accept.
ReplyDeleteLosing baby weight is so much harder than normal weight! :l You can do it though! They say to give yourself the time it took you to gain it. So you've got months!
I'm glad you were able to open up to someone. PPD is really really hard, and having it bottled up must have been awful. I hope you're feeling better.
You are not alone. I dealt with very serious ppd. The sleep deprivation only makes it worse, much worse. I am so thankful that my husband was willing to be my rock through those hard times. Be honest and open with yours if you can be.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't breastfeed either. It was hard, but it is okay too.
Don't worry about the baby weight for now. Buy one or two new shirts that make you feel good and look good, then wait out the weight. Baby weight is one of our sacrifices for our babies. They are so worth it, aren't they?
You can do this. You are a great mamma. Noah is lucky to have you loving him, especially at 3am. You are not alone. Thank you for sharing. Stay open with those who can support and love you.
Hi there. This is the first time I've ever been to your blog, but I just so happened to come across your post about your baby blues. I know that we don't know each other, but I wanted to tell you that you are not alone, and that it does get better. I went through it with both my boys, whom were both born pre-mature, and very sick. I had to leave the hospital without them, couldn't breastfeed no matter HOW hard I tried, I was feeling super fat, and the baby blues just came crashing in. But then, each time, when they were about 3 months old, after wandering aimlessly around like a zombie since their birth, I woke up one day and realized I'd slept for a stretch of six or so hours! From there out, everything started looking up. They got on their own little schedules, slept soundly for hours at a time, they were eating great, etc. Everything just started getting easier, and we all began to fall into a groove. With that came more enjoyable time with my babies, more giggles, more cooing and cuddling without tears, more everything you imagined it would be. So please hun, give yourself a break (especially about the b/fing and the weight), and just take it one day at a time. You will get through this time and before you know it, you'll want #2! Good luck! You can email me anytime you need a stranger to rant to. heartofpink@me.com Have a great week, and I hope you start feeling better soon.
ReplyDeleteOh, and one more thing. If you need to get on an rx of anti-depressants for a while, don't be ashamed. A lot of new Moms need to balance out their brains a little and that route can help a lot.
Lots of hugs and love! E
You are not alone. After my baby was born I felt no connection to her, I cried all the time and battled with suicidal thoughts. My husband didn't understand why this was happening. What helped me through was a mommy friend. We talked every day, I cried to her and she kept telling me I was completely normal all while she was 1,000 miles away.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion, find a friend and talk to her everyday. Husbands just won't understand because they haven't been through it. My thoughts are with you!!
Sherry, Love you very much and I will be praying for you during this time. There is a lot of changes going on for you. Some that only you can do on your own...with Gods help. Little did we know that when we prayed and asked for a child it really meant we would have to go through a total change as a woman. It took me almost a year after Nathaniels birth to finally feel like I was his mom. Not that I didn't love him or not want to take care of him. It was just hard to believe he was really mine. I had a friend who had a baby the same time as me and all she kept saying was how her baby was her life. I felt so guilty because I could not say the same thing. While I love him with everything in me....he did not consume who I am. Dont feel bad or alone. We all battle this time in different ways. Just use this time to draw closer to God and learn of His strength when ours is gone. He gave you Noah but He also gave you His love and Spirit to draw strength from. I wish I could say it gets easier but.....well some things do. Right now I am facing the not being embarrassed by a two year olds attitude....every where I go. I am also learning.....other parents do understand :-)
ReplyDeleteYou know I am only phone call away. I Love you very much!
-t
(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I didn't have PPD after my baby was born, but I know how your hormones can play a number on you in the first few months. I struggled a lot with breastfeeding, and I felt like this tremendous failure when, four months later, I said, "That's it." We had been supplementing with formula since she was born, anyway. Do you know what? She's fine. All that worrying and feeling like a subpar mom -- it was all in my head. She thrived, my milk dried up. And after the hormones went away I started to see clearly. It was literally like a fog lifted, and I was able to say, "WHAT! All this time I was beating myself up over nothing?!?"
Give yourself some time to feel like yourself again. I remember how strange my body felt in those first few months.
The point of my whole post? It's temporary. You will feel better. It will get better.
Oh, and please talk to your doctor! :-) (((more hugs)))
I think that almost every one who has given birth will tell you about these huge hormonal changes! I, too, was super anxious- I ended up having a c-section, an infection on the incision site, having an allergic reaction to the antibiotics, pumping instead of breastfeeding and a colicky baby.
ReplyDeleteI wish during all of those birth classes, they'd talk about how anxious you'd feel, how much fighting there'd be, how much stress not sleeping could cause. You are not alone, my dear. And it'll get better, I promise. Try talking about it w/ your hubby. Find a mommy group or read mommy blogs out there. Hugs to you!! You're a wonderful mom!
My heart goes out to you Sherry. I know exactly how you feel and have gone through it four times. It took me 14 years to realize I am never going to get my pre-baby body back & that I will never be in the same place hormonally either. My breast milk wasn't good enough & didn't figure that out till baby #3. I was a little sad when our little Noah came along & we mostly bottle fed him with formula. But really it was just important for him to be fed in a way that would help him grow. I couldn't provide that for my children myself but I had to learn not to beat myself up about it. I am more than content that I brought 4 very amazing people into the world and that Heavenly Father trusts me enough to take care of them during their earthly life. It's an amazing thing to be a mother, but I know that it gives little comfort when your life is turned upside down. No one ever tells you how to deal with the emotional changes a baby can bring. Just from reading these comments, I can see that you already have a support system to rely on. Being a parent is all about learning. Good luck sweetheart. You are loved.
ReplyDelete--Anna
I have never commented here before, but I just had to say you are not alone! When I had my first baby I planned to breastfeed. But, my nipples were inverted making it much more difficult. He would latch but was hungry every 30 min. We got home, and kept trying. But, I got so swollen I went from a D to an i in bra size...and my skin was so taught he just slid off for two days. Once my milk was in he was still so hungry (we had begun giving him some formula since I was literally unable to feed him for 2 days b/c of the swelling). I would sob all day long that I couldn't feed my baby and that if this was pre-formula days he would have died. My mom and husband kept telling me it was fine to give him formula that the important thing was that he got to eat. Well, swelling went away and he was still so hungry but unsatisfied. After pumping I discovered I was making less than a quarter of an ounce in each breast. So, I gave up breastfeeding. It wasn't easy. My mom and husband had a breastfeeding intervention with me. I was loosing it. The days were whizzing by and I was missing the joy of having my son. Turns out...breastfeeding was causing a hormonal imbalance which was giving me depression. It was a lot to take in.
ReplyDeleteI chose to not even try to breastfeed my second child. I know hormones can be different, but I didn't want to go through the trauma again. I didn't think I could handle it.
My husband and I were at odds a lot in the first 6 months. A lot. Once I even began packing a bag, baby in hand. I often felt as though he was useless to us. He never knew what to do, and caring for an infant made him VERY cranky. He couldn't stand the crying. And my son didn't take to him for a looong time. I was left feeling as though I was the only one who could do anything, and no one understood. It was frustrating, maddening, irritating. I finally learned that if I didn't make my husband participate it would never improve. Swooping in to "save" him or the baby wasn't teaching my hubby anything.
But, as the baby gets a bit older, and you're both getting more sleep, things will slowly improve and get back to the new "normal." If that makes sense.
And as far as your body goes...you'll get there. :) Remember...you're body just created that amazing little being and it put a lot of work into that little creation. It's a little tired right now, but it will rebound, as will everything else. It all just takes time and as much patience as you can possibly muster.
Make sure to take time for yourself along the way! I'm always a better mommy after I get a little bit of quiet time.
I just stumbled across your blog, and read this post. It made me cry. I totally understand what you're saying. When my first baby was born, I was so idealistic-- I planned to do everything naturally, but after 20 hours of labor, even the midwife said it was time for an epidural. Ended up having a vacuum-assisted birth, and then they took my baby to NICU. When they brought her to me, I thought I'd be filled with overwhelming love for her, but I was so exhausted and disappointed that I didn't really feel anything for her for a few weeks. It was months before I could talk about the birth without crying.
ReplyDeleteOne awesome thing the midwives I went to say is "10 months on, 10 months off." Your body had 10 months to change and become what it was at the end of your pregnancy-- give yourself a break, and realize that it will take a long time for your muscles to restrengthen, for your skin to retone... and honestly, some things will never be the same again. I was really surprised when I finally shared my feelings with my husband. He looked at me in surprise, and said, "I can't believe you don't like your body! I think you're a really sexy mom now." I don't get it, but I'm trying to be as excepting of myself as he is of me.
Try to remember that your hormones are going crazy right now. When you get pregnant, your estrogen level goes up 1000 times! Now your body is trying to return to normal, but things are out of whack for a while.
Things WILL look better later. Right now you're in a desert place, but God is still with you, even when you can't feel him, even when you can't praise him. I don't know you, just the story I'm reading, and the blog I'm looking at, but I want you to know that I'm praying for you. I had my second baby 8 months ago (18 months after the first), and the experience was SO much better. Maybe just because I had changed my expectations. And as far as my body goes, with a toddler and a baby, I don't have time to worry so much-- I just went ahead and bought bigger clothes. I figure when we're for sure done having kids, I'll tackle getting into shape. Until then, I'll try to see myself with love, which is how I know God, my husband, and my kids look at me-- and really, they're the ones who matter most.